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Barely Legal Alien

Retroview of Films That Own You: Ninja Scroll

November 6th 2007 00:22

"Ninja Scroll" is an anime. That is, it is an animated film, drawn in the distinctive japanese 'Manga' style. It also rules.

It is about a dude called Jubei Kibagami. He is a ronin. He wanders around kicking all kinds of ass, when he stumbles into the plot of this film. Basically, there is a shadowy group of people undertaking a plot to take over the government. This group is led by someone who goes by the name of 'The Shogun of the Dark'. The Shogun has in his employ a metric shitload of ninja, as well as 8 supervillains - the 'Eight Devils of Kimone'. Each of these 'Eight Devils' has magic powers. However, these magic powers aren't quite enough to save them from being shit all over by Jubei.

Jubei fucking rules.

Anyway these are the eight devils:

Tessai: A fucking huge dude, whose body is covered in a stone skin, has enormous strength and this horrible glaive-like weapon that is, at last calculation, responsible for about 63% of the gore in this film. Jubei first comes across him when he stumbles into the freak's hut to ask for directions. Unfortunately for Tessai, he was just about to slip some unwanted stony cock into this chick when Jubei butted in (for those sick fucks out there who get off on this, this bit is the seemingly mandatory in anime demon-porn bit.) Understandably, Tessai gets the shits and tries to fuck Jubei up.

Needless to say, Jubei ruins his shit.

The chick turns out to be a major character, having been captured after her entire team of ninja buddies, the Koga Ninja Team (a fucking cool name) get wiped out to a man by Tessai. Her name is Kagero, and she has an astonishing array for bizarre and conviently useful powers, as will be shown later.

Benisato. She is this chick who can control snakes. She even hides one in her vaj. She almost hypnotises and kills Jubei, but he is awoken from her spell at the last moment by this irritating old guy who chucks a ninja star into Jubei's arm at the last moment. Anyway, she dies.

Interestingly, the old guy is also a major character, and the ninja star he hit Jubei with was coated witha deadly poison. Gee, thanks old guy. Why don't you stick your dick in my mother, while you're at it? His name is Dakuan and he is a government spy who is trying to find out who the Shogun is, so he can stop the insurrection. He coerces Jubei into helping him, by offering him gold, and oh, yeah, the antidote for that deadly poison he hit Jubei with.

Next, Jubei beats the shit out of Mujuro. Mujuro is a blind swordsman. Well, ths isn't Jubei's finest moment, as he not only stoops to beating up on an invalid, he gets a girl to help him do it. Either way, at this point of the film it's Jubei 3, bad guys 0 (well, actually, it's kinda more like Jubei 2, bad guys -1, as Benisato got killed by one of the others for failing twice in one day. way to team kill, douchebag).

Next we have Mushizo. Mushizo can control wasps, and also has a hive in his back. No, not a skin condition, an actual wasp hive situated inside his back. He gets owned when Jubei cuts his leg off and makes him fall into some water. The water understandably makes the wasps currently chilling near his left kidney kinda pissed and they bust free of their waterlogged prison, killing him in the process. It turns out during this fight that Kagero has this mysterious power to make petals fly out from her armpits, which has the affect of making pesky Giant Killer Wasp Swarms That Are Controlled By Sinister Bad Guys become anaethesitised. Phew, that was lucky!

Moving on, I can't remember exactly the order of Jubei's next victims, but he also kills this insane bitch called Zakuro who can make shit blow up. I'm pretty sure she blows up. Irony's a bitch. He also kills this ultimate ninja called Shijima. Shijima manages to give Kagero some finger action before he bites it, so I guess he did ok. He still dies though. Last of the ordinary devils, Jubei kills Yurimaru. Yurimaru is a faggot who wants to be Jake in an amateur production of Brokeback with Gema, the leader of the Devils. As I said, he's literally a fag and as such deserves to face the wrath of god for his blasphemy.

Ok, so Jubei kills all the Devils, then he has this huge fight with about 38,000 ninjas who were stowing all this gold on board this massive ship. Apparently, the gold is to fund the Shogun's army. Who gives a fuck, because Jubei goes to work on all these ninjas and kill so many I couldn't even count (I tried. Four times). Strangely, at the start of the fight, the baddies just give him motivation by killing Kagero, who he had oddly developed feelings for, even though she's seen more demon cock than my bastard next-door-neighbour's mother, and I don't think even Jubei can compete with demon cock. She'd have to be utterly cavernous. Regardless, this gives him the total fucking shits and he goes beserk.

To reiterate, Jubei Fucking Rules.

So he kills the ninja and gets on the boat. Oh, by the way, Kagero managed to live long enough for the fight to end, so they could do the death dialogue, where she tells him that the old man informed her that her kiss is the antidote to Jubei's poison. See, the thing is, Kagero has this weird affliction where anyone who kisses or fucks her dies from poison. Should I have mentioned this sooner? Yeah well, whatever, they kiss and Jubei is cured. He gets on the boat, and antagonises the insane blowing-up-stuff chick to self-detonate, which sets the wooden boat on fire and melts all the gold in the hold. This is where Jubei fights the last Devil:

Gema. Gema was Jubei's arch-nemesis before he signed up to be the leader of the devils. Gema tried fuck with Jubei, so Jubei cut off his head, and killed an entire clan. An entire clan.

Jubei Fucking Rules.

Anyway, unfortunately for Jubei, Gema learned this useful little trick that allows him to regenerate his body, even his severed head. Jubei and he have a fucking brutal fight which involes Jubei taking Gema down for the first time, by headbutting Gema's head repeatedly until he drives it THROUGH THE FLOOR and smooshes it all up, in an attack known forevermore as the 'Jubei'. It is my fervent wish to one day Jubei someone. Just as Jubei is making his escape from the burning, sinking hold of the ship, Gema leaps up out of the inexplicale golden river that is flowing along the bottom of the ship and grabs Jubei's foot. Jubei cuts off his hand and sends Gema, coated in gold, to the bottom of the deep, deep lake.

Regenerate that one off, motherfucker.

So Jubei saves the day, manages to get the easy chick and kills a fuckload of guys doing it, in incredibly gory ways. It was while watching this for the first time that I and a friend coined the term 'Manga Blood'. 'Manga Blood' is when there is such an obscene amount of blood that it becomes hilarious. Like in that scene in 'Kill Bill I' where Lucy Liu cuts that dudes head off, and there is a veritable geyser of blood - that's Manga Blood.

This movie, as the title says, Owns You, and will do so for the rest of your life, no matter what you do, where you go, or how successful you are at doing it. If you haven't seen it, there is a portion of your soul that is empty, and can only be filled by watching this film.

Out of 5 stars, I give it 87.

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you havent lived until youve seen a down syndrome menage a trois.

October 29th 2007 08:07

let me preface this with the statement that i am in no way prejudiced against people afflicted with down syndrome. this post is merely the relating of an event i witnessed, that happened to involve some peole with down syndrome. ah, fuck it, if youre the type to get all righteous and pissed off because ive written a story involving people with down syndrome that doesnt have them curing cancer or conquering everest, then you probably arent going to read most of what im writing anyway, youll just see the words 'down syndrome' and a lack of the words 'courageous' or 'overcoming', and that ole knee will start to jerk again. so forget a disclaimer, fuck you, give me your compassionate -2s and lecture me on these brave and wonderful people, thats right, exclude them further with your lavish praise for even the most mundane and simple of tasks, trivialise their very existence with your compassionate demand to shelter them from experiencing life on their own terms, and only from the apron strings of your charity.

ok rant ends, story begins. i promise. right after i tell these do-gooder, bleeding heart fuckwits that they can take their compassion, and their lack of sense of humour and jam it right up their arses. hopefully itll turn into an extra chromosome and then theyll get to see how brave and wonderful they feel when everyone speaks to, and treats them like a complete fucking moron because of it. phew. ok. got it out.

it was summer. i was about 15. old enough to be aware of the charms girls possessed, but young and immature enough to not really care. at 15, my one, true passion was basketball. if it came to a choice between holding some girls hand, and grabbing the occasional kiss, or throwing down dunks on my schools notoriously low hoops, to the accompaniment of ooohs and aaahs of my fellow schoolmates, well, really to me there was no contest. i was 15, and the internet hadnt really hit off just yet. jenna jameson was not a household name, and due to these intrisically linked factors, my access to hardcore porn was nil. this was about to change. irrevocably. god, how i wish it could be revoked, but alas, the images are seared into my mind, and no amount of chemically induced cerebral or liver damage can help me, short of being lethal.

id been playing basketball. however, as i said, it was summer. in australia in particular this roughly translates to 'fucking hot'. accordingly, theres was only so much basketball to be had. accordingly, with the days basketball quotient being prematurely reached, i turned instead to that old standby of the austalian shoolboys summer: skipping school and heading to the beach. besides, id heard some of the girls were going. so i got my shit together and took off, heading around the back of the school, behind the administrative building through the schools small 'farm' area (this involved 2 goats, a chicken, and about a 10 x 10 square of tilled earth). there were some large unruly bushes around this area, and people had been known to get up to some fairly crazy hijinks with the concealing aid of these bushes. as i walked past, i noticed that the bushes were shaking, ever so slightly, but rhythmically. barefoot and pregnant curiosity nagged at me, with its whiny voice that you just want to crush like a mosquito. i walked over quiet, like a cat. however, like the fabled cat, curiosity was about to kill me.

my school had a class of 'special needs' people. this meant we had a class of people that were afflicted with down syndrome. they were largely invisible, but everyone knew them, and were largely vaguely protective of them. largely invisible i say, but not totally. there was one guy in particular that would do impressions on command: all you did was say 'rupert! michael jackson! and he would begin to moonwalk. he was actually pretty good (on a side note, why is it that people with disabilities like this are always burdened with horrible first names? as if they dont have enough to deal with, their parents feel the need to lump with a truly shitful first name). one day he was called up to the stage for a special achievement award, and as he headed up, someone called out "michael jackson", which met the usual response, which in turn was met with cheers and laughter, it was a really awesome moment. then someone called out 'george michael'. see, rupert had this other impersonation. this was about the time george michael got busted for 'indecent exposure' in a public toilet (he was caught jacking off, apparently), and some genius had taught rupert this impersonation. when you called out "george michael" he would immediately, furiously simulate jacking off.

you can imagine the result this had on a group of about 400 teenagers. it was a defining moment of mine, and i think everyones who was present, high school experience. largely invisible, i said, but not totally. and certainly not on this day.

i walked toward the bushes, which steadfastly continued to shake. maybe, i conjectured, it would be chrissy, that awesomely hot year 12 girl. maybe even, i gasped to myself, it would be lora that exchange student from the netherlands. i was close enough now to hear some low-pitched dull moaning. something about the moaning sounded off, but still i continued, irrevocably locked into my course of action. i stepped forward, the moaning got louder. three voices. holy shit! i briefly considered on going to get some of the guys to join in, but screw em, this was mine, i found it. another step forward and i was within arms reach of the bushes. i could just barely make out some shapes moving, thrusting, gyrating. i reached out, slowly, and even more slowly with the steady handed caution of a surgeon, moved some of the bushes aside to get a clear view.

legs and arms going everywhere. mouths opened to moan, one of them a near-toothless maw. the slap of skin on flabby skin. squinty, too-close together eyes closed in a moment of ecstasy. three bodies fused as one in a moment of unspeakably graphic release. agnes on her back with her legs splayed with boyd on her, humping for all he was worth. rupert doing his george michael impression, only this time for real. i arrived just in time to see him climax. climax all over agnes' face.

i turned and ran, trying to scream the image from my brain, which had apparently just discovered a hitherto-unrealised eidetic memory, and was showing me, second by excruciating second the scene i had just witnessed. still i screamed and ran. people ran out to see what the hubbub was, among them the 'special needs' teacher, ms salvog. if there was a person less suited to 'special needs' care than ms salvog, that person would probably be adolf hitler. i have no fucking idea how she got the job, by she was a fucking tyrant and she ruled that class with an iron fist. stalin could have learned from her methods. okay, so she didnt exactly set out on any 'purges', but if it was legal, i bet she would have. man she was harsh. as i ran i just looked at her and pointed toward the 'farm' area and kept running. she jogged off in the direction i pointed. i was still running when i heard her banshee wail of shock and dismay. i ran faster. still i could not outrun the image. now im older, and over it, after all its just sex, and they were having a great time and not hurting anyone; but that day, it was truly a life impacting moment.

like i say, you havent lived until youve seen a down syndrome menage a trois.

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Why do crazy people feel the need to spread their disease?

October 26th 2007 03:06

"Mumble grrfl garble burgle pretty good theory, ay?" he said to me. He was white-eyed, ratty-dressed, short and something about him said 'concealed weapon'. I got a picture in my head of him being infurated by a noncommittal raised eyebrow in response to his outburst epiphany on this crowded train and spraying indescriminate retribution into all and sundry nearby.

I raised my eyebrows noncommittally and hoped for the best. The woman between us looked like she could make a very handy bullet shield should the need arise. A thousand action films informed me I could dart around her flailing corpse and be at the guy's side, heroically wresting the pistol from his shaky, sweaty grasp in nanoseconds.

Thankfully he went back to the task of looking at the balled paper in his hand and mumbling more quietly to himself and whoever was in his head with him at this present moment.

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Why do crazy people feel the need to spread their disease?

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I was reading a book quietly in the front corner of the train, staring back at the rest of the empty carriage. I like to look at the people I travel with. The expression on people's faces is a story you can read if you look hard enough. A furrowed brow, a bit lip, a secret solo smile, all these things tell of a thousand other things. I was reading a book in lieu of people when the chant began. The only other person on this carriage, a man in a white robe sitting on the other side of the aisle to me was chanting. Slowly, but with rising pitch and intensity the chant built. Clearly of a devoutly religious nature the man chanted to his god. It occurred to me that we have churches and temples for a reason: to allocate a proper place for the indecency of a grown man chanting for no apparent reason, to noone in particular. I looked out the window past him at the scenery and wondered how much of it my remains would cover when the explosives in his bag detonated.

Probably very little, I surmised with more than a touch of melancholy.

Louder the man became now, louder and more disturbingly intense. I shifted a voyeur's glance at him. He was shaking his hands up steadily in beats like he had maracas, up to the heavens. His voice beat in waves up, up, up like his hands. Louder it got and more intense like a doomsday countdown. I wondered where the red wire was, and how I could cut it with milliseconds to go, thus saving myself and this precious government train. It would have been nice to have had a little more to save.

The train stopped and I got off. I went and got a drink, and the train went to where it was going. I didn't think to read the papers the next day to read of spectacular train explosions and mysterious and sinister bloodstained white robes, and bloody-stumped hands like grisly maracas lying in the smouldering refuse.

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Why do they shout their feckless irrationalities to the world at large?

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"So I told the fuckin' cunt I'd fuckin DO 'IM if he came near me again" the voice said to me, making a stabbing motion with his hand. Presumably, in some dimension of the voice's mind the invisible knife in his hand slid it's terrible way into some poor fool's vitals, seeking only more flesh and bringing back death with it in dark red, satisfying gouts of vindication. It could only be described as a voice as it hid it's crenellated face behind some improbably large sunglasses. I couldn't really tell if the face was male or female, both we equally possible, but the voice, the voice, the voice was something. The voice was a tale in itself that told of dark alleys and darker deeds, moments lost in time and substance abuse. A voice like this could do anything. A voice like this was best to get away from, but sitting on a crowded train is the hardest place to escape voices like this. On the voice spoke into my defenceless, yawning ear. I tried to shut off my brain to it, but who knows what the mind takes in, I couldn't stop it all. I just hoped I didn't have to revist this voice late at night in a cold bed with a full bladder. I don't think I could face my dark stairs. I gave the floor a dark stare and prayed for the voice to end. The voice preyed upon the tender ear meat mercilessly, and the arm continued it's penetrative arm-jerks.

"I'd fuckin' DO 'IM".

I believed it.

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Why do they seek to pour their incoherent poison in our ears?

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So apparently, kids are smarter these days...

January 11th 2007 02:05

What a bunch of total bullshit.

I keep running across articles in newspapers and magazines going on and on about how kids today are just so much smarter and more sophisticated than we were. For example, I read an article jsut the other day that was going on about how kids are right into money now, and how when they get money the spend it on far more sophisiticated things than bikes and shit like we did - they buy playstations and i-pods and other technological gadgets. This article used this as its evidence to make the claim that kids now are more sophisticated - they don't buy pushbikes and footballs - they buy electronics

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Tara Reid: Marxist Role Model.

December 19th 2006 23:40

Tara Reid is the blonde chick from the first 'American Pie' film, in case you've forgotten who she was.

"Was" being the operative word. Since then, I can't think of a single film she has done, nor anything at all, besides be a handbag for whichever guy is hot that week at whatever club is hot that week

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A Question for any Homosexual readers out there. (You others can check it out, too)

December 7th 2006 00:47

MATURE CONTENT

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God Bless You, Hormone Chicken.

November 30th 2006 01:16

Apparently it takes less than two months to grow a decent-sized, edible chicken nowadays. Though we don't actually use "Hormones" to grow our chickens, we still use growth-enhancing anit-biotics that enhance the size of and the growth speed of our chickens. The chicken you see in teh shops labelled 'Hormone Free!' is actually marketing preying upon the widespread misapprehension that they use hormones to grow these freakish birds. Again, like pretty much anything to do with marketing it falls juuuust short of being a lie.

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For the love of God, PLEASE stop naming your children Jackson

November 23rd 2006 01:16

The phone rang for the ninth time. With a sigh, Jackson picked up the receiver and put it to his ear, a look of resignation on his face.

"Jackson speaking

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