For the love of God, PLEASE stop naming your children Jackson
November 23rd 2006 01:16
The phone rang for the ninth time. With a sigh, Jackson picked up the receiver and put it to his ear, a look of resignation on his face.
"Jackson speaking."
"Jackson?" The voice on the other end replied.
"Yeah." Jackson replied
"Ah, good. This is Jackson, I've been trying to contact you all day. I tried calling you here, then over at Jackson's, and then at that bar you're always at."
"You mean 'Jackson's'?" Jackson asked
"Yeah. I spoke to some bartender named Jackson, but he said he ain't seen you in a while."
"Yeah, I've been avoiding my usual haunts, I owe Jackson a lot of money." Jackson said
"Shit man, you'd better get that sorted out, fast. Jackson is one mean son of a bitch."
"Yeah, well, I'd love to, but I got no fuckin' money."
Jackson laughed. "Well, Jackson, you're lucky I found you. I got just the thing for you: A Job."
Jackson was intrigued. "Really? How much you payin'?"
"A shitload. Definately more than you'd be needin' to clear your debt with Jackson, with some change to buy your kid something nice."
Jackson picked up a photo from the table in front of him, it was of a small child. "Yeah, that'd be nice. I ain't seen Jackson in ages, let alone get him anything. What's the deal?"
"I need you to make someone... disappear." Jackson said tentatively.
Jackson took a long, deep, breath. "Jackson, man, you know I ain't done that kinda thing since that mess with Jackson and Jackson."
Yeah, but this isn't as high profile as that, this will be smooth and by the numbers, man, nothing can go wrong. It'll be an easy days pay."
Jackson snorted derisively. "Yeah, famous last words. Who's the target?"
"Jackson."
Jackson sat up. "That millionaire recluse?"
"The one and the same, man. Like I said, it'll be easy - he's a fuckin' recluse, there ain't nobody around for it to get messy."
"Yeah, except for the best security money can buy, he had it designed by the same guy that did that movie star, Jackson's place."
"Look, Jackson, I'm not interested in excuses. You gonna take the job or what?"
Jackson sat for a bit, quietly contemplating.
"You there?" Jackson asked
"Yeah, I'm here." Jackson replied "Let's talk face to face. Where are you?"
"I'm in that restaurant on the corner of Pitt and Elizabeth."
"You mean Jackson's?"
"Yeah."
"I'll be there in ten." Jackson said and hung up the phone. He jumped out of his chair and grabbed his jacked, heading for the door. The door slammed behind him.
--------------
The confusing piece of shit above is the future of english literature and films if you unimaginitive cunts don't stop giving your kids the same fucking name. Is that what you really want?
Well this is what you're gonna get, if you don't stop. I swear to god, every weekend when I go to work there seems to be more and more kids answering to this fucking name. One parent calls out to their kids and fifteen of the fuckers turn their heads as one, like they're some evil little telepathic beings. You think people would get the picture, but no, more and more people seem to be thinking that this is the way to go.
Pretty soon, we are going to be a people who have only one name for an entire half of the species: Jackson.
I mean, It's not even like it's cool. What's the first thing you think of when you hear the name 'Jackson'?
Weird, pasty paedophiles? Well, I sure fucking do.
But that isn't really the point. What really shits me about this phenomonon, is that the perpetrators have gone out of their way to choose a 'distinctive' name, and think they are being genuinely different by choosing it. I mean for fuck sake, just walk into a schoolyard and call out 'Jackson', then prepare for the stampede.
Who started this fucking trend? How the fuck did it become a trend? As a parent, when naming your child you have only one thing to worry about: that you child has only a name that the other kids will have the least ability to pick on.
For example, a parent came up to me a couple weeks ago while I was at work and said "I'm here for Max's party, I'm his mother."
"Ah, ok" I replied and searched the book. "Hmm, I can't see any bookings under 'Max'..."
"Oh" She said, "well it must be under 'Gay'."
I just had to stop and take a deep breath. I shit you not, this poor little fuckers name is 'Max Gay'.
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaahahhaa.
There is a parent who clearly failed in her duty. She has basically condemned her child to a life of complete, purest hell. Sure, it was a tough start, what with having the last name 'Gay', but for fuck sake, ANYTHING but 'Max', anything.
However, even though that is probably the worst name I've ever seen or heard, it's still preferable to having everyone called Jackson. How the fuck will we know who we are talking about? I mean, at least with Max, you're narrowing it way down. I like to be able to refer to people by only their first name, and have everyone understand who I am speaking about. However, I see a very near future of people having to refer to everyone by their family names, like some feudal Japanese peasants.
Well, it has to fucking stop. It has to stop NOW. I don't want a future of everyone having the same first name, I like the fact that middle names are essentially superfluous, and that when I say someone's name, I wont have to go into their geneology just so everyone knows who they are: "Hey, Jackson, son of Jackson, son of Jackson, son of Jerry, how you doing?
What if this takes hold in Scandinavia? Can you imagine it: Jackson Jacksonson.
Oh, yeah, but we can shorten it to 'Jack' - that's so tough and manly: 'Jack'.
Yeah, it's also a colloquialism for masturbating, which is fitting, really, given the people that I find naming their children 'Jackson': a bunch of wankers the lot of them.
Shakespeare said "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" (or something like that). What would he have to say about every flower being called a rose?
Probably something poetic, something inspirational, something along the lines of: "You fuckwits. Verily."
So please, don't piss off Shakespeare, he's a cool guy; STOP, for the love of God, STOP naming your kids 'Jackson'. The future of literature depends upon it.
If you really wish to display your staggeringly creative soul to the world through your child's name, take a leaf out of celebrities books; name your child after a piece of fruit, or a terrain feature.
Anything, but a washed-up, broke, freak of a paedophile.
"Jackson speaking."
"Jackson?" The voice on the other end replied.
"Yeah." Jackson replied
"Ah, good. This is Jackson, I've been trying to contact you all day. I tried calling you here, then over at Jackson's, and then at that bar you're always at."
"You mean 'Jackson's'?" Jackson asked
"Yeah. I spoke to some bartender named Jackson, but he said he ain't seen you in a while."
"Yeah, I've been avoiding my usual haunts, I owe Jackson a lot of money." Jackson said
"Shit man, you'd better get that sorted out, fast. Jackson is one mean son of a bitch."
"Yeah, well, I'd love to, but I got no fuckin' money."
Jackson laughed. "Well, Jackson, you're lucky I found you. I got just the thing for you: A Job."
Jackson was intrigued. "Really? How much you payin'?"
"A shitload. Definately more than you'd be needin' to clear your debt with Jackson, with some change to buy your kid something nice."
Jackson picked up a photo from the table in front of him, it was of a small child. "Yeah, that'd be nice. I ain't seen Jackson in ages, let alone get him anything. What's the deal?"
"I need you to make someone... disappear." Jackson said tentatively.
Jackson took a long, deep, breath. "Jackson, man, you know I ain't done that kinda thing since that mess with Jackson and Jackson."
Yeah, but this isn't as high profile as that, this will be smooth and by the numbers, man, nothing can go wrong. It'll be an easy days pay."
Jackson snorted derisively. "Yeah, famous last words. Who's the target?"
"Jackson."
Jackson sat up. "That millionaire recluse?"
"The one and the same, man. Like I said, it'll be easy - he's a fuckin' recluse, there ain't nobody around for it to get messy."
"Yeah, except for the best security money can buy, he had it designed by the same guy that did that movie star, Jackson's place."
"Look, Jackson, I'm not interested in excuses. You gonna take the job or what?"
Jackson sat for a bit, quietly contemplating.
"You there?" Jackson asked
"Yeah, I'm here." Jackson replied "Let's talk face to face. Where are you?"
"I'm in that restaurant on the corner of Pitt and Elizabeth."
"You mean Jackson's?"
"Yeah."
"I'll be there in ten." Jackson said and hung up the phone. He jumped out of his chair and grabbed his jacked, heading for the door. The door slammed behind him.
--------------
The confusing piece of shit above is the future of english literature and films if you unimaginitive cunts don't stop giving your kids the same fucking name. Is that what you really want?
Well this is what you're gonna get, if you don't stop. I swear to god, every weekend when I go to work there seems to be more and more kids answering to this fucking name. One parent calls out to their kids and fifteen of the fuckers turn their heads as one, like they're some evil little telepathic beings. You think people would get the picture, but no, more and more people seem to be thinking that this is the way to go.
Pretty soon, we are going to be a people who have only one name for an entire half of the species: Jackson.
I mean, It's not even like it's cool. What's the first thing you think of when you hear the name 'Jackson'?
Weird, pasty paedophiles? Well, I sure fucking do.
But that isn't really the point. What really shits me about this phenomonon, is that the perpetrators have gone out of their way to choose a 'distinctive' name, and think they are being genuinely different by choosing it. I mean for fuck sake, just walk into a schoolyard and call out 'Jackson', then prepare for the stampede.
Who started this fucking trend? How the fuck did it become a trend? As a parent, when naming your child you have only one thing to worry about: that you child has only a name that the other kids will have the least ability to pick on.
For example, a parent came up to me a couple weeks ago while I was at work and said "I'm here for Max's party, I'm his mother."
"Ah, ok" I replied and searched the book. "Hmm, I can't see any bookings under 'Max'..."
"Oh" She said, "well it must be under 'Gay'."
I just had to stop and take a deep breath. I shit you not, this poor little fuckers name is 'Max Gay'.
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaahahhaa.
There is a parent who clearly failed in her duty. She has basically condemned her child to a life of complete, purest hell. Sure, it was a tough start, what with having the last name 'Gay', but for fuck sake, ANYTHING but 'Max', anything.
However, even though that is probably the worst name I've ever seen or heard, it's still preferable to having everyone called Jackson. How the fuck will we know who we are talking about? I mean, at least with Max, you're narrowing it way down. I like to be able to refer to people by only their first name, and have everyone understand who I am speaking about. However, I see a very near future of people having to refer to everyone by their family names, like some feudal Japanese peasants.
Well, it has to fucking stop. It has to stop NOW. I don't want a future of everyone having the same first name, I like the fact that middle names are essentially superfluous, and that when I say someone's name, I wont have to go into their geneology just so everyone knows who they are: "Hey, Jackson, son of Jackson, son of Jackson, son of Jerry, how you doing?
What if this takes hold in Scandinavia? Can you imagine it: Jackson Jacksonson.
Oh, yeah, but we can shorten it to 'Jack' - that's so tough and manly: 'Jack'.
Yeah, it's also a colloquialism for masturbating, which is fitting, really, given the people that I find naming their children 'Jackson': a bunch of wankers the lot of them.
Shakespeare said "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" (or something like that). What would he have to say about every flower being called a rose?
Probably something poetic, something inspirational, something along the lines of: "You fuckwits. Verily."
So please, don't piss off Shakespeare, he's a cool guy; STOP, for the love of God, STOP naming your kids 'Jackson'. The future of literature depends upon it.
If you really wish to display your staggeringly creative soul to the world through your child's name, take a leaf out of celebrities books; name your child after a piece of fruit, or a terrain feature.
Anything, but a washed-up, broke, freak of a paedophile.
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Comment by Nina
Also, every second girl under the age of 5 that comes into where I work is called Lily. Sure, it's a nice enough name, but seriously, there's just too many of them!
Comment by Daressi
The most , let say inventive, are Brazilians they give names to their children by famous persons like Mozzart , Elvis etc. Or , in my country ( Serbia ) gypsies gives names to their children by famous persons and characters like Tarzan
Comment by Questionable Content
Bravo, sir. You fucking angry-sounding bastard.
Comment by Samuel
Barely Legal Alien
Comment by Deorre
Stress Alive
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