Retroview of Films That Own You: Ninja Scroll
November 6th 2007 00:22
"Ninja Scroll" is an anime. That is, it is an animated film, drawn in the distinctive japanese 'Manga' style. It also rules.
It is about a dude called Jubei Kibagami. He is a ronin. He wanders around kicking all kinds of ass, when he stumbles into the plot of this film. Basically, there is a shadowy group of people undertaking a plot to take over the government. This group is led by someone who goes by the name of 'The Shogun of the Dark'. The Shogun has in his employ a metric shitload of ninja, as well as 8 supervillains - the 'Eight Devils of Kimone'. Each of these 'Eight Devils' has magic powers. However, these magic powers aren't quite enough to save them from being shit all over by Jubei.
Jubei fucking rules.
Anyway these are the eight devils:
Tessai: A fucking huge dude, whose body is covered in a stone skin, has enormous strength and this horrible glaive-like weapon that is, at last calculation, responsible for about 63% of the gore in this film. Jubei first comes across him when he stumbles into the freak's hut to ask for directions. Unfortunately for Tessai, he was just about to slip some unwanted stony cock into this chick when Jubei butted in (for those sick fucks out there who get off on this, this bit is the seemingly mandatory in anime demon-porn bit.) Understandably, Tessai gets the shits and tries to fuck Jubei up.
Needless to say, Jubei ruins his shit.
The chick turns out to be a major character, having been captured after her entire team of ninja buddies, the Koga Ninja Team (a fucking cool name) get wiped out to a man by Tessai. Her name is Kagero, and she has an astonishing array for bizarre and conviently useful powers, as will be shown later.
Benisato. She is this chick who can control snakes. She even hides one in her vaj. She almost hypnotises and kills Jubei, but he is awoken from her spell at the last moment by this irritating old guy who chucks a ninja star into Jubei's arm at the last moment. Anyway, she dies.
Interestingly, the old guy is also a major character, and the ninja star he hit Jubei with was coated witha deadly poison. Gee, thanks old guy. Why don't you stick your dick in my mother, while you're at it? His name is Dakuan and he is a government spy who is trying to find out who the Shogun is, so he can stop the insurrection. He coerces Jubei into helping him, by offering him gold, and oh, yeah, the antidote for that deadly poison he hit Jubei with.
Next, Jubei beats the shit out of Mujuro. Mujuro is a blind swordsman. Well, ths isn't Jubei's finest moment, as he not only stoops to beating up on an invalid, he gets a girl to help him do it. Either way, at this point of the film it's Jubei 3, bad guys 0 (well, actually, it's kinda more like Jubei 2, bad guys -1, as Benisato got killed by one of the others for failing twice in one day. way to team kill, douchebag).
Next we have Mushizo. Mushizo can control wasps, and also has a hive in his back. No, not a skin condition, an actual wasp hive situated inside his back. He gets owned when Jubei cuts his leg off and makes him fall into some water. The water understandably makes the wasps currently chilling near his left kidney kinda pissed and they bust free of their waterlogged prison, killing him in the process. It turns out during this fight that Kagero has this mysterious power to make petals fly out from her armpits, which has the affect of making pesky Giant Killer Wasp Swarms That Are Controlled By Sinister Bad Guys become anaethesitised. Phew, that was lucky!
Moving on, I can't remember exactly the order of Jubei's next victims, but he also kills this insane bitch called Zakuro who can make shit blow up. I'm pretty sure she blows up. Irony's a bitch. He also kills this ultimate ninja called Shijima. Shijima manages to give Kagero some finger action before he bites it, so I guess he did ok. He still dies though. Last of the ordinary devils, Jubei kills Yurimaru. Yurimaru is a faggot who wants to be Jake in an amateur production of Brokeback with Gema, the leader of the Devils. As I said, he's literally a fag and as such deserves to face the wrath of god for his blasphemy.
Ok, so Jubei kills all the Devils, then he has this huge fight with about 38,000 ninjas who were stowing all this gold on board this massive ship. Apparently, the gold is to fund the Shogun's army. Who gives a fuck, because Jubei goes to work on all these ninjas and kill so many I couldn't even count (I tried. Four times). Strangely, at the start of the fight, the baddies just give him motivation by killing Kagero, who he had oddly developed feelings for, even though she's seen more demon cock than my bastard next-door-neighbour's mother, and I don't think even Jubei can compete with demon cock. She'd have to be utterly cavernous. Regardless, this gives him the total fucking shits and he goes beserk.
To reiterate, Jubei Fucking Rules.
So he kills the ninja and gets on the boat. Oh, by the way, Kagero managed to live long enough for the fight to end, so they could do the death dialogue, where she tells him that the old man informed her that her kiss is the antidote to Jubei's poison. See, the thing is, Kagero has this weird affliction where anyone who kisses or fucks her dies from poison. Should I have mentioned this sooner? Yeah well, whatever, they kiss and Jubei is cured. He gets on the boat, and antagonises the insane blowing-up-stuff chick to self-detonate, which sets the wooden boat on fire and melts all the gold in the hold. This is where Jubei fights the last Devil:
Gema. Gema was Jubei's arch-nemesis before he signed up to be the leader of the devils. Gema tried fuck with Jubei, so Jubei cut off his head, and killed an entire clan. An entire clan.
Jubei Fucking Rules.
Anyway, unfortunately for Jubei, Gema learned this useful little trick that allows him to regenerate his body, even his severed head. Jubei and he have a fucking brutal fight which involes Jubei taking Gema down for the first time, by headbutting Gema's head repeatedly until he drives it THROUGH THE FLOOR and smooshes it all up, in an attack known forevermore as the 'Jubei'. It is my fervent wish to one day Jubei someone. Just as Jubei is making his escape from the burning, sinking hold of the ship, Gema leaps up out of the inexplicale golden river that is flowing along the bottom of the ship and grabs Jubei's foot. Jubei cuts off his hand and sends Gema, coated in gold, to the bottom of the deep, deep lake.
Regenerate that one off, motherfucker.
So Jubei saves the day, manages to get the easy chick and kills a fuckload of guys doing it, in incredibly gory ways. It was while watching this for the first time that I and a friend coined the term 'Manga Blood'. 'Manga Blood' is when there is such an obscene amount of blood that it becomes hilarious. Like in that scene in 'Kill Bill I' where Lucy Liu cuts that dudes head off, and there is a veritable geyser of blood - that's Manga Blood.
This movie, as the title says, Owns You, and will do so for the rest of your life, no matter what you do, where you go, or how successful you are at doing it. If you haven't seen it, there is a portion of your soul that is empty, and can only be filled by watching this film.
Out of 5 stars, I give it 87.
It is about a dude called Jubei Kibagami. He is a ronin. He wanders around kicking all kinds of ass, when he stumbles into the plot of this film. Basically, there is a shadowy group of people undertaking a plot to take over the government. This group is led by someone who goes by the name of 'The Shogun of the Dark'. The Shogun has in his employ a metric shitload of ninja, as well as 8 supervillains - the 'Eight Devils of Kimone'. Each of these 'Eight Devils' has magic powers. However, these magic powers aren't quite enough to save them from being shit all over by Jubei.
Jubei fucking rules.
Anyway these are the eight devils:
Tessai: A fucking huge dude, whose body is covered in a stone skin, has enormous strength and this horrible glaive-like weapon that is, at last calculation, responsible for about 63% of the gore in this film. Jubei first comes across him when he stumbles into the freak's hut to ask for directions. Unfortunately for Tessai, he was just about to slip some unwanted stony cock into this chick when Jubei butted in (for those sick fucks out there who get off on this, this bit is the seemingly mandatory in anime demon-porn bit.) Understandably, Tessai gets the shits and tries to fuck Jubei up.
Needless to say, Jubei ruins his shit.
The chick turns out to be a major character, having been captured after her entire team of ninja buddies, the Koga Ninja Team (a fucking cool name) get wiped out to a man by Tessai. Her name is Kagero, and she has an astonishing array for bizarre and conviently useful powers, as will be shown later.
Benisato. She is this chick who can control snakes. She even hides one in her vaj. She almost hypnotises and kills Jubei, but he is awoken from her spell at the last moment by this irritating old guy who chucks a ninja star into Jubei's arm at the last moment. Anyway, she dies.
Interestingly, the old guy is also a major character, and the ninja star he hit Jubei with was coated witha deadly poison. Gee, thanks old guy. Why don't you stick your dick in my mother, while you're at it? His name is Dakuan and he is a government spy who is trying to find out who the Shogun is, so he can stop the insurrection. He coerces Jubei into helping him, by offering him gold, and oh, yeah, the antidote for that deadly poison he hit Jubei with.
Next, Jubei beats the shit out of Mujuro. Mujuro is a blind swordsman. Well, ths isn't Jubei's finest moment, as he not only stoops to beating up on an invalid, he gets a girl to help him do it. Either way, at this point of the film it's Jubei 3, bad guys 0 (well, actually, it's kinda more like Jubei 2, bad guys -1, as Benisato got killed by one of the others for failing twice in one day. way to team kill, douchebag).
Next we have Mushizo. Mushizo can control wasps, and also has a hive in his back. No, not a skin condition, an actual wasp hive situated inside his back. He gets owned when Jubei cuts his leg off and makes him fall into some water. The water understandably makes the wasps currently chilling near his left kidney kinda pissed and they bust free of their waterlogged prison, killing him in the process. It turns out during this fight that Kagero has this mysterious power to make petals fly out from her armpits, which has the affect of making pesky Giant Killer Wasp Swarms That Are Controlled By Sinister Bad Guys become anaethesitised. Phew, that was lucky!
Moving on, I can't remember exactly the order of Jubei's next victims, but he also kills this insane bitch called Zakuro who can make shit blow up. I'm pretty sure she blows up. Irony's a bitch. He also kills this ultimate ninja called Shijima. Shijima manages to give Kagero some finger action before he bites it, so I guess he did ok. He still dies though. Last of the ordinary devils, Jubei kills Yurimaru. Yurimaru is a faggot who wants to be Jake in an amateur production of Brokeback with Gema, the leader of the Devils. As I said, he's literally a fag and as such deserves to face the wrath of god for his blasphemy.
Ok, so Jubei kills all the Devils, then he has this huge fight with about 38,000 ninjas who were stowing all this gold on board this massive ship. Apparently, the gold is to fund the Shogun's army. Who gives a fuck, because Jubei goes to work on all these ninjas and kill so many I couldn't even count (I tried. Four times). Strangely, at the start of the fight, the baddies just give him motivation by killing Kagero, who he had oddly developed feelings for, even though she's seen more demon cock than my bastard next-door-neighbour's mother, and I don't think even Jubei can compete with demon cock. She'd have to be utterly cavernous. Regardless, this gives him the total fucking shits and he goes beserk.
To reiterate, Jubei Fucking Rules.
So he kills the ninja and gets on the boat. Oh, by the way, Kagero managed to live long enough for the fight to end, so they could do the death dialogue, where she tells him that the old man informed her that her kiss is the antidote to Jubei's poison. See, the thing is, Kagero has this weird affliction where anyone who kisses or fucks her dies from poison. Should I have mentioned this sooner? Yeah well, whatever, they kiss and Jubei is cured. He gets on the boat, and antagonises the insane blowing-up-stuff chick to self-detonate, which sets the wooden boat on fire and melts all the gold in the hold. This is where Jubei fights the last Devil:
Gema. Gema was Jubei's arch-nemesis before he signed up to be the leader of the devils. Gema tried fuck with Jubei, so Jubei cut off his head, and killed an entire clan. An entire clan.
Jubei Fucking Rules.
Anyway, unfortunately for Jubei, Gema learned this useful little trick that allows him to regenerate his body, even his severed head. Jubei and he have a fucking brutal fight which involes Jubei taking Gema down for the first time, by headbutting Gema's head repeatedly until he drives it THROUGH THE FLOOR and smooshes it all up, in an attack known forevermore as the 'Jubei'. It is my fervent wish to one day Jubei someone. Just as Jubei is making his escape from the burning, sinking hold of the ship, Gema leaps up out of the inexplicale golden river that is flowing along the bottom of the ship and grabs Jubei's foot. Jubei cuts off his hand and sends Gema, coated in gold, to the bottom of the deep, deep lake.
Regenerate that one off, motherfucker.
So Jubei saves the day, manages to get the easy chick and kills a fuckload of guys doing it, in incredibly gory ways. It was while watching this for the first time that I and a friend coined the term 'Manga Blood'. 'Manga Blood' is when there is such an obscene amount of blood that it becomes hilarious. Like in that scene in 'Kill Bill I' where Lucy Liu cuts that dudes head off, and there is a veritable geyser of blood - that's Manga Blood.
This movie, as the title says, Owns You, and will do so for the rest of your life, no matter what you do, where you go, or how successful you are at doing it. If you haven't seen it, there is a portion of your soul that is empty, and can only be filled by watching this film.
Out of 5 stars, I give it 87.
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